wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
