Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
