Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
