before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
