marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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