Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
