she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
