happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
