drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
