I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
