I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
