I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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