...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
