Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
