rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
