I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
