i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
