he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
