U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
