ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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