Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
