I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
