I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
