just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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