Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
