u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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