Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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