I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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