batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
