I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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