i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
