my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm having to shit out rocks
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
