Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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