I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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