kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
