Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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