C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
