guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
