I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
