Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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