hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
