I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
