I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
