someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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