please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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