i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
