Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
