I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
