Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
