I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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